Grace

Well, it's become somewhat of a tradition (I guess) for me to post something on Thanksgiving Day. Here's this year's: I don't know how much of it will make any sense, but I want to share what's on my mind, nevertheless.

Something that I try to keep hidden (or at least that I try to make less blaringly obvious than other parts of my personality) is that deep down, I'm a very bitter person. I regret many, many things that I've done; ways I've behaved in times that I've been through; in a certain sense, I even regret being the person I am now. It is exceptionally hard for me to look back on my life and be thankful for any of it, because I had a lot of hurt growing up, and I have a lot of pain now, looking back on all of it. Going beyond that, too, I feel like every day I err in some manner that ought to be looked upon with remorse and anger. My mistakes yesterday and the day before seem as real and as ominously dangerous to me as any real-world disaster - my errors don't just come off to me as, "Oh, well, I could have done that better"; often times, I am legitimately deeply grieved that I acted a certain way or did a particular thing. I don't know who reads this blog, and I don't know how many of you can see this part of me; but I am a deeply, intensely regretful person. I am burdened constantly with the feeling that I will never escape my past. I am burdened constantly because I feel that I myself am a burden.

But one thing that I've come to learn over the last semester, and that - hopefully - I am slowly internalizing and learning to be changed by, is the truth that God is bigger than my failures. Two closely related things come out of this: (1) a realization that my bitter self-loathing is actually driven by pride; and (2) a fresh look at God's love through his sovereign omnipotence. We'll do each one in succession; since the two are progressive.

Someone once told me that in order to think that everything is your fault, on some level, you have to think that you're all-powerful. This has been a recurrent theme in my battle with bitterness over the last 2-3 years, and it once more serves a fascinating insight into the labyrinth of my own psyche. It's true, isn't it? I regret so many things because I think that if I had done something, anything differently, the outcome of the situation might have been vastly different. I regret so many things because I believe that, at the time, it was within my grasp to prevent whatever disastrous consequences might have befallen myself and others. I regret so many things because I believe that if I had just seen it earlier, I could have prevented everything that ever went wrong. I regret so many things because, deep down, I believe that I can fix everything; I believe that I can control everything.

But because I believe that every bad thing is my fault, I also push God out of the picture. This works on two levels: firstly, I end up putting God's love and power in a box, saying, "No, no, every bad thing is always my fault; God never gives us discipline or rebuke, God never sends us through hardship! It's all my fault." But the second, and more important aspect, that I've since come to learn, is that I believe the depth and gravity of my errors outweigh God's ability to work through them. I believe that nobody - not even God - could right my wrong, nobody could undo what I've done, and nobody could make something straight out of the crooked timber I felled.

But listen, you. Listen. God is bigger than your mistakes. God is bigger than your errors. Who am I to tell God, with my feeble mind and frail human hands, that he is no longer able to work because of my failure? Do I actually believe that God is unable to do good, because of the unbearable weight of my badness? Ridiculous! This is, perhaps, the most important lesson that I've learned this semester. I have learned to give thanks: and I have learned to see God's greatness (I hope). If bitterness is the end of hope, then thanksgiving is the death of bitterness. My failures seem so big to me, but I need to realize that God is so much bigger. I mistakenly believe that God will have been rendered powerless, unable to bless myself and others because of the gravity of my transgressions. But God can bless us even in the midst of my failure, and even despite the outcomes of my inadequacy. Nothing can separate us from God's blessings, and his unending, immeasurable, all-powerful love. Oh, happiness! There's grace enough for us and the whole human race!

So, I am thankful. I am thankful that his grace is sufficient for my weakness! I am thankful that his grace is all the more perfect in a wretch like me.

I am thankful that God's faithfulness is brand, spanking new; every second of every minute of every hour of every day of all eternity! I remember my bitterness, my wandering and my affliction, but I am thankful that the steadfast love of the LORD never ceases!

I am thankful that God makes all things beautiful in their own time. I am thankful that God will make everything wondrously new, and that all the former order of things will pass away!

I am thankful that God does not remember my failures, and that he instead writes with the immeasurably precious blood of his own Son a new covenant: "I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts." I am thankful that my soul cries out within me with the Word of the living God!

I am thankful that these light and momentary troubles are preparing an eternal weight of glory that far exceeds all comprehension! I am thankful that no matter how much I might hurt, no matter how much sorrow fills my heart, that Christ's radiance is the end of it! I am thankful.

But most of all - most of all, I am thankful for Jesus. I am thankful today that nothing that has ever captured the attention of my eye or wooed the rapture of my spirit is as eternal, is as precious, is as everlasting and beautiful as Christ. And I am thankful that nothing will ever be as beautiful as him. I am thankful that he is the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen; and that he is still more beautiful tomorrow than today, still more beautiful today than yesterday, and will only ever increase and beauty and glory until, at last, we see him face-to-face. I am thankful.

3

Psalm 103

Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and all that is within me,
bless his holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits,
who forgives all your iniquity,
who heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit,
who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,
who satisfies you with good
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all who are oppressed.
He made known his ways to Moses,
his acts to the people of Israel.
The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.

As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
and its place knows it no more.
But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments.
The Lord has established his throne in the heavens,
and his kingdom rules over all.

Bless the Lord, O you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his word,
obeying the voice of his word!
Bless the Lord, all his hosts,
his ministers, who do his will!
Bless the Lord, all his works,
in all places of his dominion.
Bless the Lord, O my soul!

=)

2

Day 2.

Went to P. Jong's church plant today - small, friendly, new: I can't wait to see God grow this church into a group of people that's passionate about serving God. I think the same thing when I think about P. Jung's church in Minnesota: both of these churches now are where CFC was, 20 years ago. I can't wait to see God raise up a generation that desires to see Him.

Also, saw Hans and Irene and Emeth (he's so big now!) today: again, my heart breaks at how amazingly faithful they've been, through their ministry, in their daily lives, through their endless patience with a bum like me. I'm so thankful for the Presence through people like them in my life. We had combined service today at CCMC - Pastor Pua preached on Hab. 3:5-19. A big theme was the classic question, "Why do the wicked prosper?" The message was that God has a plan - be thankful and rejoice! Oh, how I wish that I knew what God's plan was for me, so I wouldn't be so anxious about it all the time. But it's clear every day how plentiful His covenant blessings truly are, and more fundamentally, how deep and how wide and how indescribable is the abundance in mercy of the LORD. His name is indeed higher than any. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Lastly, what stuck out to me most today was a reminder of my complete powerlessness. (Likewise, I was also reminded of my persistent delusion that I have control over my life and the lives of others). A point made by Piper in the reading today was that we ought to be filled with the Holy Spirit, as to supplant sin entirely. When every single crack and crevice of your being is overflowing with the Spirit, with the Word of God, there is no room for sin! And yet how I think that I can fight the battle on my own, by human strength. Humans can't change anything, can't even fight the battle how it ought to be fought - and, Piper says, we can't even see the battle correctly! He writes, "Some Christians take the path of stoicism in the fight against sensuality. It doesn't work. It's not biblical. It is hopelessly weak and ineffective. And the reason it fails is that the power of sin comes from its promise of pleasure and is meant to be defeated by the blood-bought promise of superior pleasure in God, not by raw human willpower. Willpower religion, when it succeeds, gets glory for the will. It produces legalists, not lovers." I pray that I might be humbled and amazed at the work of the Holy Spirit, and that I might shut up and let him do His job - what he's best at, and what his joy is in doing. Oh, how He loves us.

To close: we really are powerless. I have no passion of my own, no desire of my own, no righteousness of my own. Everything is God-breathed, God-given. Pastor Jong said today, "You can't change anybody. You can't change anybody's life, or change anybody's heart. But, you can burn." Oh, that the Spirit of God might burn within me!

1

This is a late update on the first day of the 3 day fast I'm pulling now, at the beginning of Thanksgiving break.

There's no particular reason I'm fasting, other than that I think it's just a really good idea - I want to just pray a lot.

I realized today, however, it's pretty easy to fast and not end up praying at all. I did end up spending a good amount of time in prayer, and I was very glad to do it; but I also realized how quickly I might've just gone to bed or kept playing video games instead of that. Prayer is the engine, and prayer is the point.

Secondly, something I've been meditating on is that we were never instructed to defeat sin in our lives. God didn't tell us to win the battle, he just told us to be a part of it. That victory is Christ's alone. But, we were instructed to fight, to keep fighting, and to never stop fighting. Because though we might not, the gracious grace of Christ in us can defeat the devil: John Piper writes, "The devil is conquered wherever his design to devour faith is defeated. That defeat is by the cross of Christ and the Word of God." We ought never give up, because Christ's victory is already won for us - we only need to fight for it in our hearts. We have no need to give up. My prayer once more is that I will not stop fighting. Never stop fighting.

Lastly I just want to recall that though I may be hungry, tired, and sore (for whatever reason) right now, Jesus is worth all of it. I urge this as a reminder to myself and whomever might be reading this, that spiritual growth is not your goal. Success in ministry and success in life is not your goal. Knowledge - a big one for me - is not the goal. JESUS is the goal, the end, the purpose and the destination. He is all-encompassing, all-satisfying, and all-consuming. I want to see you, Lord.

May the Lord Christ shine his face upon you, and be gracious unto you. May he raise his countenance upon you; and give you peace. The LORD bless you and keep you.

The future freaks me out

I realized today, sitting in class for 430 that I probably shouldn't have dropped 426 (Metaphysics) this semester. I'm at 12 hours now and I have loads of free time, I'm pretty bored because (quite frankly) I beastmode all of my classes (except for 453....ugh.....), but more importantly, I just realized that dropping that class probably screwed up maybe graduating a semester early next year. I still do want to take 426, and the reason I dropped it was so I could take it with Korman and not the crazy old hoot that's teaching it now (seriously, anybody else reading this, Prof. Hugh Chandler is craaaaaazy), but it probably messed up my next year's semester hardcore. Ugh.

I also had a moment of terror because I thought it was too late to declare my 2nd major in history (that, somehow, I'm 99% done with, without even having declared it) and that I'd just randomly have 34 hours of history with no just cause. I just really need to stop putting stuff off.

I really wish I had started caring about stuff earlier. My GPA could be considerably higher, I could have a lot better relationships with a lot of people.....my GPA could be higher....

And now, I have no clue where I'm going to be in 3 years, or even this time next year. I'm still applying to grad school next year, but I have absolutely no clue how good my application will be - I have an okay GPA, not particularly worried about recs or writing sample, and I have a more advanced CV than most undergrads do, but I still need to apply to a ton of places because I have no clue how good my application looks. But more than that, I'm a little scared about when I'm going to get married, and to whom (yeah, believe it or not....though I'm not that worried at all. It's just apprehension about being in grad school for 5-7 years); I'm scared that I'm not going to get to hang out with my friends here before we all move on after graduation; and in general, I'm just scared I have no control over my future.

Hmm.....more faith. Mo' trust. Mo' prayer.

When there's nothing to do...

I'm really scared of idleness. I'm scared of having free time. Weird, huh? Today (Monday) was a pretty good day; it was really nice out; I just had absolutely nothing to do. Well, in reality, I had a paper to edit for publication, but I didn't do that. I finished memorizing Galatians 1 this weekend and didn't keep pushing ahead into chapter 2. So really, I had quite a lot of stuff to do but chose to ignore all of it because I wasn't really obligated to do any of it.

But that's not quite right, is it? God calls us to be faithful stewards in everything, regardless of whether we have deadlines or are pressed by any human sense of obligation. And so looking back, my idle days are days that I can't really tell if I was serving God faithfully or not. They're spiritually neutral days. And I don't like that - not only because I feel like I didn't accomplish anything, but also because that same feeling (that I didn't accomplish anything) is a sign that I could have accomplished more.

God calls me to be a faithful steward in everything, and I suppose that also applies to faithfully serving God in our free time, but free time should never be "free". I could always have prayed more, read more, gone to hang out with some people more, gone to work out, etc., etc. And so I want to be more productive in my free time. I realized that I memorized Galatians 1 in a little under 30 minutes, so if I put my mind to it, I could probably get the whole book done in a day. So, here's a reminder to you, future Peter: use your free time more wisely!

Secondly (and lastly), something that came up in conversation with Adam just now really struck me. It was this: "We used to enjoy life so much more." It's true, isn't it? I used to throw myself rolling down a hill until my parents would tell me to stop. I used to imagine that my vegetables were a jungle and that tiny little dinosaurs were roaming it hunting each other. I used to run back and forth until my tiny little lungs were exhausted and I collapsed laughing just from the sheer pointlessness of it all. I used to enjoy life so much more. When did we get so filled with regret? When did I get so filled with bitterness? It's useless to be bitter about having been bitter, that's just pointless. But I want to wake up tomorrow and be amazed at the leaves, at the grass, at the wind blowing through the trees. I want to open my eyes and be awestruck at the subtle ways God showers us with reminders of his cleverness. I want to be young again.

Lamentations 3:19-22