On Struggle

Well, it's been a week and, needless to say, updating this is not at the top of my things-to-do list. On a certain level, though, I suppose it is - the last week has been exactly the type of seven day struggle that provides me with that ever refreshing search for myself within the meandering ambiguities of the world (and internet, it seems).

On to the good stuff, then. As I said before, a certain part of me doesn't want to write this - but I feel now that the part of me that does want to is the true. After all, the easiest person and subject to write about is oneself. What is ironic is that I'm not quite sure the easiest person to read about is oneself - though even in spite of that difficulty, I'm sure Future Peter is now confronted with a retrospective and nostalgic sense of past-being.

The last few weeks have been very interesting. This week, perhaps, has been a different type of interesting. I had thought (in actuality, more or less assumed) that struggles of faith were below me. I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I could pull my way out, as I've done so often and so much before. Even so, for a person like me (which, I guess, means a person as "I" view "myself") it does indeed seem odd that a struggle like this came by. But I guess that's just me looking at myself from the lens of Peter, again. Not a bad view to have, but certainly not the one that's needed right now.

To say that I've discovered this new thing would be a gross overstatement - I haven't even put much consideration to it, except for briefly before and maybe just now, a little bit. Regardless, I've "discovered" (for lack of a better word) that I am extremely insecure when I can't reason my way out of a dilemma, theological or otherwise. I'm insecure when I get stuck, and I'm insecure when I try to compromise. I'm insecure when I realize I might not know. I'm insecure when I try to crack the puzzle and instead I realise the puzzle has cracked me.

It helps, though, to remember what had brought me to those questions (and brought me, in another sense, even to acknowledge that those questions exist) is something outside of my view. It helps to remember that answers are not neutral, and it helps to remember that the answers are few and narrow. It helps to remember that questions are indeed questions; and it helps to remember that because of that, I might indeed occassionally be wrong. I hope in those times I can quickly see the right answer, and not fumble around and struggle on my own, trying too hard to prove something that needs no proof. God will provide.

It seems that even after all this time, even after doing so much to let go, I may never have sufficiently let go of myself.


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Now playing: Hillsong - Desert Song
via FoxyTunes

Purpose

I created this mainly for myself, though there are those of you whom I would like to read the periodic entries here. Luckily, though, this is by no means that cry for desperation, one of those ever-so-unique attempts at self-legitimacy and identity in our world of anonymity. Please. Unique? By no means. I'm one of the last people who needs to be reminded of his insignificance, his inconsequentiality, his lack of gravitas. In a good five years or so, I'll look back at this post and think of how I should have lightened up, and remark on what an awful pretentious jerk I must have been to write something like this. Is it ironic that I both acknowledge that fact and continue to write this more "serious" of endeavors? Ironic maybe in the same sense that a person like me chooses to make a "blog" at all. Who do I think I'm kidding?

Those of you who know me well enough to understand why I would create a journal like this would probably say that it's long overdue. At the top of the list of those people is myself, of course. I might just have to start taking life more seriously for there to be more vividly interesting posts. I'll be so disappointed when I come back and read this. Good luck with that, world. You better get to work. Anyways, I anticipate that this, in all likelihood, will help immensely to have a legitimate outlet for those rare moments that I find my modern life important enough to document. That being said, it's probably also a good idea to make a schedule of periodic entries - which sounds painful enough to me at the moment. Friday or Sunday, then. One entry a week? Who do I think I'm kidding?

All that being said, I'm sure that those of you who would read this (as well as myself, whenever I happen to return to these age-old entries. Even at the moment of my writing this, it is ancient history, after all. Funny thing about that.) have an idea, however vague, of why I do what I do (I'll leave inquiries at your discretion). Now, ignoring that the previous was an incredibly loaded sentence, I would like to say now that the point of this is as much to keep track of what I'm going through as it is to "keep track" of future going-throughs. Figure that one out.

By God's grace, I'll make it out of here alive.


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Now playing: Dustin Kensrue - Consider The Ravens
via FoxyTunes