It's more or less been a week, and I'm posting not necessarily because I want to write (I don't - not now at least) but because that's one of the most logical things to do.
After a week, it's surprising how quickly I've fallen into old habits and, in a sense, even more surprising that I not only saw it coming but brush it off. Is surprised the right word? Terrified seems more apropos. And that's definitely the truth - it seems in a certain sense that I've forgotten how to deal with this kind of repentance, the kind that takes no deep prayer or contemplation to find; the kind that stares you right in the face and slaps you senseless until you've all but forgotten where you are. I'm in pain - and old dogs never die.
Yet in all this complacency and sloth lack of visible effort, I still remember that there's nothing I can do to work towards or buy my redemption. Repentance does nothing unless God's there to help me - and I realise (to an extent, I do wish I could "realise" it on a more inward level) that it is indeed not my willpower but His that has the final word. It seems in my eager self-affirmation I've forgotten how weak I really am, especially against myself.
But the main thing that's become evident is that I need a change of heart - for God, for myself. for all sorts of things - and what better season than the Advent? I do want to change more - God knows I do. And I do want to stay strong - God knows I do. But I realise now that I would rather stay strong on His terms than my own. I only pray that I could want it more.
I'm still weak and sinful as hell, but by God's grace, He'll keep helping me up. Heaven knows I need that. Yet all in the end it goes back to Him - He kept his promise, no matter how far we ran away and no matter how much we loved ourselves and our own sinful world instead.
God with us, indeed.
Merry Christmas.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
A red light ahead
Well, it's been fully 3 weeks since I last posted. Sure shows how committed I am even to something I promised to do for myself. I've wanted to do more posts, but somehow I just can't remember. Easy enough, I guess.
But in another sense I think it's a good thing that there was an interim period between posts. A lot of things happened after Thanksgiving break, and the sudden appearance of all that insincere secular holiday jibber-jabber kept Peter from enjoying himself (and the Advent). Though I guess once more I only have myself to blame.
I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really want to begin. Though I'm sure that in beginning (and finishing) this post I might just uncover another deep understanding of the human psyche and the profundity of human perseverance. Then I'll make a movie about it and cast Will Smith as the lead role. Man do I hate Will Smith.
I guess I'll just list everything. Chrisanna and I started a something (our something, if that means anything) and then it ended. She broke things off; for a while I couldn't stop thinking about it - or her. I still can't. I think God's teaching me a lesson. Finals were terrible. I realised at that fine hour when I couldn't decide whether to write the Aristotle or the feminism maybe not falling asleep (~Ap in predicate logic, in case I ever need it) in class could be a good option every once in a while. Small group sharing was a very reinvigorating experience - because for the first time in a while I got to hear myself speak, and I got to hear God speak through me. CFC Lock-in was very strange. I'm amazed I stayed up - and even more amazed at the fact that for whatever reason, I have no functioning comprehension of the Holy Trinity at 5 in the morning (yet when I sleep and wake up again I understand it as before).
It's strange to see that all written out like that. 3 weeks of my life more or less summed up in a paragraph, a few parentheticals and the irrelevant inclusion of some symbolic logic. Good thing at least I know what I'm talking about. Who knows how lost I'd be if that weren't the case - when I come back to read this, whenever, I'm sure I'll remember.
At sharing small group, I shared how winter break was both a "break" and a "brake" for me - or at least what I was expecting. I think in a certain sense that has to be true not just for one month out of one school year at one university but at least every day. I wake up every day not entirely sure whether I want to do anything specific and, if I do, wondering (with mild fear) whether or not I will complete my task. It's certainly a strange life to live when your biggest enemy is yourself. A month is a long time, in any case - whether on break or not. But in another 4 weeks, the only record of it having happened will be this highly unreliable machine in my head and (if I'm lucky) 4 or so more posts here. Yet braking (and breaking) is a process - every day we'll get slower, breathe a little easier, and remember just a little more in time to stop and reconnect to another years' obligations.
Maybe if I ease the brake just right, I'll barely even notice I stopped.
But in another sense I think it's a good thing that there was an interim period between posts. A lot of things happened after Thanksgiving break, and the sudden appearance of all that insincere secular holiday jibber-jabber kept Peter from enjoying himself (and the Advent). Though I guess once more I only have myself to blame.
I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really want to begin. Though I'm sure that in beginning (and finishing) this post I might just uncover another deep understanding of the human psyche and the profundity of human perseverance. Then I'll make a movie about it and cast Will Smith as the lead role. Man do I hate Will Smith.
I guess I'll just list everything. Chrisanna and I started a something (our something, if that means anything) and then it ended. She broke things off; for a while I couldn't stop thinking about it - or her. I still can't. I think God's teaching me a lesson. Finals were terrible. I realised at that fine hour when I couldn't decide whether to write the Aristotle or the feminism maybe not falling asleep (~Ap in predicate logic, in case I ever need it) in class could be a good option every once in a while. Small group sharing was a very reinvigorating experience - because for the first time in a while I got to hear myself speak, and I got to hear God speak through me. CFC Lock-in was very strange. I'm amazed I stayed up - and even more amazed at the fact that for whatever reason, I have no functioning comprehension of the Holy Trinity at 5 in the morning (yet when I sleep and wake up again I understand it as before).
It's strange to see that all written out like that. 3 weeks of my life more or less summed up in a paragraph, a few parentheticals and the irrelevant inclusion of some symbolic logic. Good thing at least I know what I'm talking about. Who knows how lost I'd be if that weren't the case - when I come back to read this, whenever, I'm sure I'll remember.
At sharing small group, I shared how winter break was both a "break" and a "brake" for me - or at least what I was expecting. I think in a certain sense that has to be true not just for one month out of one school year at one university but at least every day. I wake up every day not entirely sure whether I want to do anything specific and, if I do, wondering (with mild fear) whether or not I will complete my task. It's certainly a strange life to live when your biggest enemy is yourself. A month is a long time, in any case - whether on break or not. But in another 4 weeks, the only record of it having happened will be this highly unreliable machine in my head and (if I'm lucky) 4 or so more posts here. Yet braking (and breaking) is a process - every day we'll get slower, breathe a little easier, and remember just a little more in time to stop and reconnect to another years' obligations.
Maybe if I ease the brake just right, I'll barely even notice I stopped.
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