It's more or less been a week, and I'm posting not necessarily because I want to write (I don't - not now at least) but because that's one of the most logical things to do.
After a week, it's surprising how quickly I've fallen into old habits and, in a sense, even more surprising that I not only saw it coming but brush it off. Is surprised the right word? Terrified seems more apropos. And that's definitely the truth - it seems in a certain sense that I've forgotten how to deal with this kind of repentance, the kind that takes no deep prayer or contemplation to find; the kind that stares you right in the face and slaps you senseless until you've all but forgotten where you are. I'm in pain - and old dogs never die.
Yet in all this complacency and sloth lack of visible effort, I still remember that there's nothing I can do to work towards or buy my redemption. Repentance does nothing unless God's there to help me - and I realise (to an extent, I do wish I could "realise" it on a more inward level) that it is indeed not my willpower but His that has the final word. It seems in my eager self-affirmation I've forgotten how weak I really am, especially against myself.
But the main thing that's become evident is that I need a change of heart - for God, for myself. for all sorts of things - and what better season than the Advent? I do want to change more - God knows I do. And I do want to stay strong - God knows I do. But I realise now that I would rather stay strong on His terms than my own. I only pray that I could want it more.
I'm still weak and sinful as hell, but by God's grace, He'll keep helping me up. Heaven knows I need that. Yet all in the end it goes back to Him - He kept his promise, no matter how far we ran away and no matter how much we loved ourselves and our own sinful world instead.
God with us, indeed.
Merry Christmas.
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