On Struggle

Well, it's been a week and, needless to say, updating this is not at the top of my things-to-do list. On a certain level, though, I suppose it is - the last week has been exactly the type of seven day struggle that provides me with that ever refreshing search for myself within the meandering ambiguities of the world (and internet, it seems).

On to the good stuff, then. As I said before, a certain part of me doesn't want to write this - but I feel now that the part of me that does want to is the true. After all, the easiest person and subject to write about is oneself. What is ironic is that I'm not quite sure the easiest person to read about is oneself - though even in spite of that difficulty, I'm sure Future Peter is now confronted with a retrospective and nostalgic sense of past-being.

The last few weeks have been very interesting. This week, perhaps, has been a different type of interesting. I had thought (in actuality, more or less assumed) that struggles of faith were below me. I thought it would never happen to me. I thought I could pull my way out, as I've done so often and so much before. Even so, for a person like me (which, I guess, means a person as "I" view "myself") it does indeed seem odd that a struggle like this came by. But I guess that's just me looking at myself from the lens of Peter, again. Not a bad view to have, but certainly not the one that's needed right now.

To say that I've discovered this new thing would be a gross overstatement - I haven't even put much consideration to it, except for briefly before and maybe just now, a little bit. Regardless, I've "discovered" (for lack of a better word) that I am extremely insecure when I can't reason my way out of a dilemma, theological or otherwise. I'm insecure when I get stuck, and I'm insecure when I try to compromise. I'm insecure when I realize I might not know. I'm insecure when I try to crack the puzzle and instead I realise the puzzle has cracked me.

It helps, though, to remember what had brought me to those questions (and brought me, in another sense, even to acknowledge that those questions exist) is something outside of my view. It helps to remember that answers are not neutral, and it helps to remember that the answers are few and narrow. It helps to remember that questions are indeed questions; and it helps to remember that because of that, I might indeed occassionally be wrong. I hope in those times I can quickly see the right answer, and not fumble around and struggle on my own, trying too hard to prove something that needs no proof. God will provide.

It seems that even after all this time, even after doing so much to let go, I may never have sufficiently let go of myself.


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