Some thoughts

This comes out of a blog post someone else made that I've had some time to think about.

I think that as Christians living in a postmodern age it's very hard to think that our spiritual life isn't about us. And I think it's the engenderment of that kind of thinking that bothers me most about how I see people approach their Christian lives nowaday. The following comes straight from the aforementioned blog (Stephen Hopkins'):

"Personal Christianity. God created you for a relationship. God loves you so much that He would have died just for you. We need to work out our own salvations. All that matters is your belief that you are saved.

While all of the above do look Christian (and many are – we are released from sin upon individual conversion and we are to work out our own salvations with fear and trembling), one has to look at the subjects of these statements. Namely, the word ‘you’ and its conjugations. It’s all about you.

What follows is ‘experiential’ Christianity. What we, ourselves have experienced in times of prayer and in our daily lives no longer supplements our faith; our personal experiences now trump everything else upon which our faith is based. Nearly gone is “God is real” and enter “God is real to me.” We are more fired up when someone talks about miracles and victories within their lives (or our lifetime) than the word of God. Jesus, Himself, said that if one had ignored the prophets, then even someone coming back from the dead wouldn’t convince another of the reality of God.
[...]
The last consequence I will discuss today of such a personal Christianity is the embracing of the self. Although it is often guised as self-improvement or self discovery, there exists a pervading idea that growing closer to God is the same as self-actualization. Empowerment by God no longer means being indwelt by the Holy Spirit, but that God gives you the focus to more efficiently organize your own energy and talents. Knowing yourself is now a prerequisite to knowing God, and loving yourself a precursor to loving others."

http://hoppy393.wordpress.com/2010/02/16/children-of-modernity/

There is very little that he hasn't said that I can't say or screw up with my lesser level of verbal eloquence. But it is an important thing to ponder. The last couple weeks or so I've had one extremely important question on my mind: Does God want you to be happy?

My first approach to that question treated it as some kind of prosperity gospel - even if God doesn't want you to be materially successful, to think that His highest priority is wanting to grant you some kind of emotional stability is just as much of a prosperity gospel as any materially-minded one might be. So I preliminarily answered that as "No, God doesn't necessarily want you to be happy."

But now that I've had some extra time to think about it, it seems that it absolutely is the case - in a certain sense - that God does want us to be happy. But it's not about personal fulfillment or some flawed sense of "I want to grow in God so I can be emotionally secure", but it's very much true in the sense that we were created for God's glory, and moreover to enjoy the fullness of His glory.

"God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him" keeps popping up in new and interesting places.

Procrastination...

...is really annoying.

So is taking a nap for 2.5 hours when you only meant to nap for 40 minutes.

A Great High Priest

Boy, temptation sure is rough. But the victory has been won. Pray God that I might never forget that fact. There's a quote somewhere by John Piper that runs along the lines of, "We should be glad our hope in salvation lies not in our deeds or faith, but in God's unwavering pursuit to magnify His glory." By no means is it verbatim, but the point is made clear.

My heart/head (because the two are so oft indistinguishable, for me) is now telling me: Persevere, not to resist sin and not so that I can feel good about myself; but persevere so that God might be glorified through it. And goodness gracious is it difficult.

Another wise man once said:

"No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting against it, not by giving in. You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later. That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness - they have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it: and Christ, because He was the only man who never yielded to temptation, is also the only man who knows to the full what temptation means - the only complete realist." - C.S. Lewis

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.

Hebrews 4:15

Regret Not

This past week has been really tough. It's the first section of time in recent memory where I am honestly not doing spiritually well - and I guess that in itself is something to praise God for; that at least as far as I can tell, I generally feel at least content in my relationship with Him. But this is the first time in a long time that I can legitimately say I'm not doing well spiritually. I'm sure future-Peter might not remember exactly what I'm going through now, simply because I'm not entirely sure myself. It feels like it came out of nowhere - after a great CFC Revival weekend, a Sunday special praise and another coming up this weekend, I'm almost surprised I'm feeling this way. But nevertheless it is the case.

So being entirely unsure why I'm feeling this way - and thereby also a little confused as to how exactly I actually am feeling, I'm also entirely sure how to write about it. But I guess I'll just go down the list. The one sensation that keeps coming back to me, like a song that's stuck in your head that you can't get out, is regret.

Regret: what an ugly word. What an ugly emotion. Yet what a human condition it truly is. There are things I've done that I'm far less than proud of, and there are people I've mistreated in ways I would die for to be able to go back and remedy. I still have those struggles - I think. I can't exactly compare the present to the past. But the past is still there: and so I regret. But the past is still there: so regret is untouchable. So since I don't know - since humanity doesn't know - how to attack it, to remove it from its lofty, sneering seat, I am content to let it run its course in my mind and spirit. Regret plays a scorched earth wargame that I am too scared to win: because I'm sure now, on some level, I don't want to win.

But regret is not repentance. Regret is selfish in the highest sense. Not that sorrow or want for recompense is selfish, but in the sense that - at least for me - regret makes me play God. Regret says, "You could have done better. You could have done different." And so, I selfishly think that 'next time', I will do better. I will do different. And I will do good. Regret makes me see my past in a way as to plan to control my future with an iron fist - in only a way that I want to. If I can fix everything, nothing can ever go wrong. And if I can make it so nothing ever goes wrong, then I'll be God. And then I'll never have to die. And yet, I don't have even the slightest control over even the slightest parts of my life or myself. Regret never ends.

Repentance is in the same way selfless in the highest sense. Not that in view of my sin I suddenly give myself to the poor and needy, but in the sense that repentance requires nothing but humility. Repentance says, "You did not do better. You did not do different. But turn to God, and He will." I've been told on multiple occassions that repentance means literally 'to turn'. Yet how can I do that, knowing now that I have in the past (and will likely continue to) turn to the wrong things, and altogether fail to 'turn' at all? It seems clear to me that that's a bad question. It's not up to me whether or not I want to or I should repent, but it's wholly in view of God's infinite glory that repentance is absolutely necessary, that it's in fact the only option. If repentance only comes halfway, it turns into regret. But repentance in its completeness is knowing that I will never be able to do it on my own. Repentance in its completeness is knowing that without God, I will lose that scorched-earth game. Repentance is knowing that God never ends.

And if that's not a 'new song' of praise, I don't know what is.

"Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool." Isaiah 1:18

For whom?

So I definitely haven't followed through on my commitment to write for this. But hey, at least I'll start trying again. I took a cue from Sherry's blog and you know, I realize that while it might be hard to motivate myself actually to update this, it is a really good opportunity just to be able to reflect and let loose. Plus, I can always look back on what I've written and see how things have changed since then. So I guess I'll really try to start updating this more, not necessarily because I want to right now, but because it's for a future purpose and so that when I look back it can serve as a testimony of some of the times God has carried me through. For me, then? Not really. If that really is the case then this blog is as much for God's audience as it is mine. Good thing both of us always listen. Time to start write write writing away.....

A ghost of Christmas past?

It's more or less been a week, and I'm posting not necessarily because I want to write (I don't - not now at least) but because that's one of the most logical things to do.

After a week, it's surprising how quickly I've fallen into old habits and, in a sense, even more surprising that I not only saw it coming but brush it off. Is surprised the right word? Terrified seems more apropos. And that's definitely the truth - it seems in a certain sense that I've forgotten how to deal with this kind of repentance, the kind that takes no deep prayer or contemplation to find; the kind that stares you right in the face and slaps you senseless until you've all but forgotten where you are. I'm in pain - and old dogs never die.

Yet in all this complacency and sloth lack of visible effort, I still remember that there's nothing I can do to work towards or buy my redemption. Repentance does nothing unless God's there to help me - and I realise (to an extent, I do wish I could "realise" it on a more inward level) that it is indeed not my willpower but His that has the final word. It seems in my eager self-affirmation I've forgotten how weak I really am, especially against myself.

But the main thing that's become evident is that I need a change of heart - for God, for myself. for all sorts of things - and what better season than the Advent? I do want to change more - God knows I do. And I do want to stay strong - God knows I do. But I realise now that I would rather stay strong on His terms than my own. I only pray that I could want it more.

I'm still weak and sinful as hell, but by God's grace, He'll keep helping me up. Heaven knows I need that. Yet all in the end it goes back to Him - He kept his promise, no matter how far we ran away and no matter how much we loved ourselves and our own sinful world instead.

God with us, indeed.

Merry Christmas.

A red light ahead

Well, it's been fully 3 weeks since I last posted. Sure shows how committed I am even to something I promised to do for myself. I've wanted to do more posts, but somehow I just can't remember. Easy enough, I guess.

But in another sense I think it's a good thing that there was an interim period between posts. A lot of things happened after Thanksgiving break, and the sudden appearance of all that insincere secular holiday jibber-jabber kept Peter from enjoying himself (and the Advent). Though I guess once more I only have myself to blame.

I don't even know where to begin. I'm not sure I really want to begin. Though I'm sure that in beginning (and finishing) this post I might just uncover another deep understanding of the human psyche and the profundity of human perseverance. Then I'll make a movie about it and cast Will Smith as the lead role. Man do I hate Will Smith.

I guess I'll just list everything. Chrisanna and I started a something (our something, if that means anything) and then it ended. She broke things off; for a while I couldn't stop thinking about it - or her. I still can't. I think God's teaching me a lesson. Finals were terrible. I realised at that fine hour when I couldn't decide whether to write the Aristotle or the feminism maybe not falling asleep (~Ap in predicate logic, in case I ever need it) in class could be a good option every once in a while. Small group sharing was a very reinvigorating experience - because for the first time in a while I got to hear myself speak, and I got to hear God speak through me. CFC Lock-in was very strange. I'm amazed I stayed up - and even more amazed at the fact that for whatever reason, I have no functioning comprehension of the Holy Trinity at 5 in the morning (yet when I sleep and wake up again I understand it as before).

It's strange to see that all written out like that. 3 weeks of my life more or less summed up in a paragraph, a few parentheticals and the irrelevant inclusion of some symbolic logic. Good thing at least I know what I'm talking about. Who knows how lost I'd be if that weren't the case - when I come back to read this, whenever, I'm sure I'll remember.

At sharing small group, I shared how winter break was both a "break" and a "brake" for me - or at least what I was expecting. I think in a certain sense that has to be true not just for one month out of one school year at one university but at least every day. I wake up every day not entirely sure whether I want to do anything specific and, if I do, wondering (with mild fear) whether or not I will complete my task. It's certainly a strange life to live when your biggest enemy is yourself. A month is a long time, in any case - whether on break or not. But in another 4 weeks, the only record of it having happened will be this highly unreliable machine in my head and (if I'm lucky) 4 or so more posts here. Yet braking (and breaking) is a process - every day we'll get slower, breathe a little easier, and remember just a little more in time to stop and reconnect to another years' obligations.

Maybe if I ease the brake just right, I'll barely even notice I stopped.